Trying to accept infertility. It's not going well.

What I've been up to

2010-01-15T21:42:00.001-08:00

Compression fracture of my 7th vertebrae. Definitely not my fault but insurance will be a nightmare. No idea how long I'll be off work. Up to 6 weeks maybe. Ugh,

Yep, It's that time again.

2010-01-05T20:15:00.000-08:00

How is it possible to miss a tiny 7 week old embryo so damn much?

And another bust. Of course.

2010-01-05T19:22:00.000-08:00

12 day lp this time. I knew it was coming but wow, I went to a dark place. It just felt meant to be and I was left shell shocked for some reason. Naive I guess.

After a few rootbeers and peanut butter M&M's (hey, I don't make the rules here, I just obey the beast), I feel a bit better. As much as having the same due date is a beautiful thought, it would have been nervewracking. I'm placating myself with the whole not wanting to be due in the heat of the summer anyway lie...sure...

The long and short if it though is that I O'd more last year than I have in 4 years of TTC and I need to consider that a victory. Not sure what's next, my RE has still given up on my and my options are once again severely limited. Maybe soy again, despite my Hashi's thyroid. Not the smartest move but that's certainly never stopped me before on this journey.

I'm back

2009-12-26T22:10:00.000-08:00

With something very odd to share...also, it's ok to chuckle at the pathetic chart. Pretty much no temping until ewcm appears.

So yeah, O'd on December 23rd. Crappy timing with the only BDing being on the evening of the 21st. I don't really have high expectations because of that. Except that...wait for it...my one and only pregnancy (that ended around 9 weeks thanks to fetal bradycardia) was as a result of ovulation on December 23rd, 2007 with BDing on the 21st. I'm still kind of shocked. What weird, weird, wonderful timing. I really feel like this is some sort of sign. A little keep your chin up lesson. It of course makes me miss that little one so much but I don't know, it feels like it was a little gift. Whatever it was, I'll take it!

Ugh

2009-11-07T19:47:00.000-08:00

CD21 with nothing at all to report. No meds = no nothing.
I'm just so meh about everything right now. I have no idea where to turn next. I'm just...meh.

:(

2009-10-18T12:53:00.000-07:00

Another bust.
12 day LP.

No idea where we go from here. My RE has given up on me, I'm out of meds and...not sure now.

Sadness

2009-10-11T21:43:00.000-07:00

My husband broke my heart a little bit today :(

I woke up at 4am with an epic migraine. It's a horrible way to be awoken. It's so confusing. I felt like I'd been shot in the brain. I stumbled to the bathroom and took the only thing that works on my migraines. Dilaudid. Morphine. I managed to get back to sleep but woke up every half hour groaning in pain. Joe slept through it all. I got up and called my parents to tell them that I wouldn't be able to make it to Grandma's for Thanksgiving dinner. Sad face here. I was throwing up by that point though so it was for the best. When Joe finally woke up and I filled him in, he said the dreaded words. "Maybe it's a pregnancy symptom." It broke my heart. I just muttered that he shouldn't get his hopes up and pulled my sleep mask on so he couldn't see my tears...He doesn't deserve this. I'm the broken one.

Pearl Jam road trip recap

2009-10-10T19:42:00.001-07:00

I think I've finally come back down to earth. It's still hard to put the experience into words though.
The 2 Seattle shows were great. Good set lists and good seats. I did a lot of shopping and ate a lot of good food. It wasn't a relaxing trip but I don't know what I was expecting of 3 shows in 5 days.
We had amazing travel luck. We drove onto the ferry both ways and had really smooth border crossings, no more than a 15 minute wait each time.

I need to explain the way PJ's fan club ticketing works. When you join the Ten Club you're given a fan club number. Tickets are then allocated by number and seniority except for rows 1, 2, 9 and 10 which are randomly assigned. A ticket lottery. You don't know where you are sitting until the day of the show when you pick up your tickets. It stops scalping tickets so I'm cool with it. Anyways, we have a fan club number that's about average. We usually end up sitting in the first few rows beside the stage. So in the wings, the closest section to the stage. This is where we were in Seattle. In Vancouver though...wow. We walk up and I show my ID and they hand me my little envelope. I moved off to the side and peeked at them. This is what I see:

Yes, that says FLR, Row 2. I'll be honest, I freaked the fuck out. I gasp and immediately and hissed at Joe, "We won the lottery!" He thought I was joking. I showed him and we just stared at the tickets stunned. Then we went to FatBurger and talked about how amazing our trip had been. The phrase, "Everything is coming up Sandree (Joe's nickname for me)," was uttered a lot that evening. It was a blast. And I have pics to prove it!

Ben Harper opened.

This is one of my favourite pictures. Eddie saw me taking his picture and about a half second after I snapped this, he flashy me a goofy, toothy grin. I think he would have said cheese had he not been singing!

Here's my artsy shot. It makes a great desktop wallpaper. Ask me how I know :)

Another holy crap Eddie is looking at me pic:

Jeff and Mike:

Look how close I was to Eddie!

Full band:

And finally, a compilation of the video I took. The sound is a bit muddy in the beginning but it gets better as it goes along.

It was one of the most amazing nights of my life. I would love a repeat!

First things first

2009-10-10T19:22:00.000-07:00

So yeah, apparently 150mg of Clomid is the ticket.

Hopefully ovulating on your birthday is good luck!

I've ovulated 4 times since March. That's insane for me. Prior to this year, I have only O'd 4 times in the last 3 years. With the help of an RE! Once he gave up on me, everything started to fall into place. The only down side is that this month I used the last of my Clomid prescription. Hopefully I won't need it again, right?

5dpo today. It's going very slowly....

Well, that was fun

2009-09-17T20:34:00.000-07:00

Had a 10 day LP. Short but not surprising given all of the spotting.
Guess I'll try 150mg of Clomid again. Why not, right?
I'm not super upset since I know a pregnancy couldn't have ended well given all of the bleeding.

Pearl Jam road trip starts in 3 days. 3 shows in 5 days and a week off work. Really looking forward to it!

7 dpo today

2009-09-13T12:24:00.000-07:00

Nothing much to report. I had some weird cramping on 5 and 6dpo but other than that, not much. Still spotting but very lightly now. Had a bit of an upset stomach last week but I usually do when my progesterone starts to rise.
So now we wait...

And now...

2009-09-08T20:38:00.001-07:00

Spotting.
Still.
Pretty sure I ovulated on Sunday. Had a nice temp rise on Monday but a dip today. Ugh.
Doubtful that this cycle will be successful what with the 9 weeks of spotting and all.
Ugh.

Well then...

2009-09-05T20:47:00.000-07:00

I don't think I could be more shocked at this opk:

Guess the 2 week long Clomid migraine may have been worth it! This will be only the 2nd time I've ovulated in the last year. Yippee!!!

Since I'm already in a melancholy mood...

2009-08-22T21:01:00.000-07:00

This is my miscarriage and infertility anthem:

The ending with the crowd singing gives me chills. The song is about Johnny Ramone.

Well that was stupid.

2009-08-22T19:56:00.000-07:00

For some reason, I thought it would be a good idea to go back and read our baby blog. Our pregnancy blog. And now I'm sobbing. I started at the beginning and read up. It goes from such excitement and joy to uncertainty and worry to utter heartbreak. Sigh.

Bad blogger...

2009-08-22T19:07:00.000-07:00

I've just been so, so busy. Acting assignments at work are keeping me hopping. I'm looking forward to being able to go back to jeans/capris and tees and my regular desk. Dressing up and ironing is for squares. Big time.

So I'm doing another Clomid cycle now. Just for the hell of it. I have the drugs and don't need to be monitored so why not? I will be super happy when/if my period finally leaves. It's been 6 weeks since the spotting started. I'm over it. So yeah, Clomid. It's never worked in the past but I just can't get myself to give up...trying to accept infertility. It's not going well.

Picture post show and tell

2009-07-30T09:02:00.000-07:00

Just a few pics from my life...

I live steps from here:

This is the view from my living room window:

My boyfriend:

(Yes, my husband is aware that my heart also belongs to Eddie Vedder)

My husband is an artist:

The tattoo I got after our miscarriage:

Dylan

2009-07-29T20:20:00.000-07:00

My new nephew was born today. I came to a good (to me) conclusion at the hospital though. I have no sadness/jelousness/issues with babies at all. Just pregnant bellies. It must be that I've never had my baby in my arms so I can't miss it. I have been pregnant though and miss that terribly.

I don't know for sure, but it feels like a breakthrough for me.

Oh Eddie

2009-07-29T17:44:00.000-07:00

You break my heart sometimes...

Yesterdays how quick they change all lost and long gone now.
Want to remember anything moving at the speed of sound.
With the speed of sound.

And yet I'm still holding tight
To this dream of distant light
And yet somehow i'll survive
But this night has been a long one
Waiting on a sun
That just don’t come

Can I forgive what I cannot forget
and live a lie?
I could give him one more try

Why deny this drive inside just looking for some peace
Everytime I get me some it gets the best of me
Not much left to see

And yet i'm still holding tight
To this dream of distant light
And that somehow i'll somehow survive
But this night has been a long one
Waiting on a word
That never comes

The whisper in the dark
Is that you or just my thoughts?
I'm wide awake and reaching out

It's gone so quiet now
Could it be I’m farther out
Moving faster than the speed of sound

2009-07-28T12:17:00.000-07:00

My sister is currently 2 days overdue with her second. Another boy.
She apparently has PCOS too…guess no one told her ovaries.
I wonder how I'm going to cope with the new baby post-miscarriage.
I'm scared.

My jet set life?

2009-07-26T13:14:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, my husband and I went to the Vancouver No Doubt concert. We see a fair amount of concerts, it's one of our favourite things to do. It's usually pretty expensive since we have the cost of ferry, hotel and food. We almost always take an extra day and drive across the border so that Joe can get his US fix (he's American, I'm Canadian) so that also adds to the expense.

Anyways, I was telling my work friends that before the concert we met Gavin Rossdale. Well, Joe did, I looked at him and ran away since I'm shy about things like that. My friends were all squealy and asked if he's as hot as he is in pictures. When I said yes (although he always looks like he needs to wash his hair to me), they both said that they're totally jealous of my jet-setting, famous people meeting, multiple yearly vacations kind of life. I just stood there with my mouth hanging open. They both know that I would give this life up in a heartbeat if I could have the life they do. I don't know why people keep insisting that our life is great with nothing to tie us down and total freedom to do the things we want. I'm 30 fricking years old, I've been living the life of freedom for like 11 years. It gets old. Sure it's fun sometimes, but it's also empty. Still just the two of us. Will it always be just the two of us?

I'm depressing myself. I do that a lot. I'll post concert videos to cheer myself up.

No Doubt finale of Stand and Deliver (Adam and the Ants) with Bedouin Soundclash and Paramore:

2006 Pearl Jam at the Gorge in George, Washington. It's the most amazing venue ever. I took this pic:

2 back to back shows. 118 degrees at 11pm. It was insane. We got to hear Dirty Frank though, the first time it had been played since 1994. I heart PJ so much.

You have got to be kidding me...

2009-07-25T22:02:00.000-07:00

Just read a blog post of a friend (like IRL friend) that left me scratching my head.
They are a lesbian couple that tried *forever* to get pregnant. Read: like 5 months and it happened "naturally," if you know what I mean.

They are now 7ish weeks pregnant. She posted pictures of the in-progress nursery painting and the arrival of the crib.

Oh to be that happy and carefree. I want a pregnancy like that please.

Trying to accept infertility. It's not going well.

2009-07-25T20:52:00.000-07:00

Thunder and lightning with a rainbow thrown in. The sky is maroon and I can smell the ocean.

Add a purple popsicle and it's a near perfect summer night.

An introduction

2009-07-25T20:36:00.000-07:00

I miss the girl I used to be.

She's hard to think about, the girl that infertility stole from me.

That girl was smart and fun, happy and hopeful, dedicated and hardworking. The girl I am now is not very many of those things. Smart, sure, I guess. Dedicated to my family and my career, yes. Otherwise, I'm just a shell of that girl.

My life now is on autopilot. I try to stay positive but I almost always fail. I get up and go to work, exhaust myself and come home and stare at the tv. I interact with my great husband for a few hours and then go to bed, hoping that I'll sleep instead of think. Despite the 3 sleeping medications that I take every night, I rarely sleep. Too much to obsess, worry and stress about. Too many little hurts that the universe has thrown at me that day. Too many pregnant bellies brushing past me on the sidewalk. Too many inattentive Moms ignoring their kids while texting in the grocery story checkout line. Too many attempts by well meaning friends that end up stinging even more. Too many of everything, all at once.

How do you accept being childless when it's all you've ever dreamed of? How do you get to that point? I have no idea. People keep asking if we're going to start the adoption process. I can't even get myself to the point that I can think about it. I can't accept that this is the end. Will I ever be able to? It sure doesn't feel like it. I say that I'm out of hope but there's that tiny part of me that is hoping for a miracle. Will it always be there? Will I ever be able to move on and make a life for myself that is tolerable, if not enjoyable??

I feel like everyone is tired of my misery. Yeah, me too. I can't even write about it on my regular blog because it just sounds so damn whiney. Believe me, I know. I also have a really hard time with my husband reading about it. I know he's devastated too and I try really hard for it to not always be about me and my hurt. I don't know if I'm successful at that but I try. I would try anything for him. He would just be a fabulous Dad. Thanks defective body, 2 dreams ruined.

Thank you, come again.

Me, in brief

2009-07-24T19:15:00.000-07:00

30 years old.

2 sisters.

Grew up on a farm.

Married at 22.

PCOS disgnosed at 25ish.

Long time LJ blogger (6ish years). New Blogger blogger.

Government Analyst.

Completely anovulatory.

Disneyland addict.

TTC for almost 4 years.

Pearl Jam super fan.

Lostie.

Live in a house on the beach.

Way too many fish tanks (3) for my liking.

Great family.

Weather junkie.

Decided to skip law school and start a family (ha).

Happily married.

Never expected this to be my life....