Thursday, July 30, 2009

Picture post show and tell

Just a few pics from my life...
I live steps from here:

This is the view from my living room window:

My boyfriend:

(Yes, my husband is aware that my heart also belongs to Eddie Vedder)

My husband is an artist:

The tattoo I got after our miscarriage:

Wednesday, July 29, 2009


My new nephew was born today. I came to a good (to me) conclusion at the hospital though. I have no sadness/jelousness/issues with babies at all. Just pregnant bellies. It must be that I've never had my baby in my arms so I can't miss it. I have been pregnant though and miss that terribly.

I don't know for sure, but it feels like a breakthrough for me.

Oh Eddie

You break my heart sometimes...

Yesterdays how quick they change all lost and long gone now.
Want to remember anything moving at the speed of sound.
With the speed of sound.

And yet I'm still holding tight
To this dream of distant light
And yet somehow i'll survive
But this night has been a long one
Waiting on a sun 
That just don’t come

Can I forgive what I cannot forget 
and live a lie?
I could give him one more try

Why deny this drive inside just looking for some peace 
Everytime I get me some it gets the best of me
Not much left to see

And yet i'm still holding tight
To this dream of distant light
And that somehow i'll somehow survive
But this night has been a long one
Waiting on a word
That never comes

The whisper in the dark
Is that you or just my thoughts? 
I'm wide awake and reaching out

It's gone so quiet now
Could it be I’m farther out
Moving faster than the speed of sound

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

My sister is currently 2 days overdue with her second. Another boy.
She apparently has PCOS too…guess no one told her ovaries.
I wonder how I'm going to cope with the new baby post-miscarriage.
I'm scared.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

My jet set life?

Last weekend, my husband and I went to the Vancouver No Doubt concert. We see a fair amount of concerts, it's one of our favourite things to do. It's usually pretty expensive since we have the cost of ferry, hotel and food. We almost always take an extra day and drive across the border so that Joe can get his US fix (he's American, I'm Canadian) so that also adds to the expense.

Anyways, I was telling my work friends that before the concert we met Gavin Rossdale. Well, Joe did, I looked at him and ran away since I'm shy about things like that. My friends were all squealy and asked if he's as hot as he is in pictures. When I said yes (although he always looks like he needs to wash his hair to me),  they both said that they're totally jealous of my jet-setting, famous people meeting, multiple yearly vacations kind of life. I just stood there with my mouth hanging open. They both know that I would give this life up in a heartbeat if I could have the life they do. I don't know why people keep insisting that our life is great with nothing to tie us down and total freedom to do the things we want. I'm 30 fricking years old, I've been living the life of freedom for like 11 years. It gets old. Sure it's fun sometimes, but it's also empty. Still just the two of us. Will it always be just the two of us?

I'm depressing myself. I do that a lot. I'll post concert videos to cheer myself up.

No Doubt finale of Stand and Deliver (Adam and the Ants) with Bedouin Soundclash and Paramore:

2006 Pearl Jam at the Gorge in George, Washington. It's the most amazing venue ever. I took this pic:

2 back to back shows. 118 degrees at 11pm. It was insane. We got to hear Dirty Frank though, the first time it had been played since 1994. I heart PJ so much.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

You have got to be kidding me...

Just read a blog post of a friend (like IRL friend) that left me scratching my head.
They are a lesbian couple that tried *forever* to get pregnant. Read: like 5 months and it happened "naturally," if you know what I mean.

They are now 7ish weeks pregnant. She posted pictures of the in-progress nursery painting and the arrival of the crib.

Oh to be that happy and carefree. I want a pregnancy like that please.

Trying to accept infertility. It's not going well.

Thunder and lightning with a rainbow thrown in. The sky is maroon and I can smell the ocean.

Add a purple popsicle and it's a near perfect summer night.

An introduction

I miss the girl I used to be.

She's hard to think about, the girl that infertility stole from me.

That girl was smart and fun, happy and hopeful, dedicated and hardworking. The girl I am now is not very many of those things. Smart, sure, I guess. Dedicated to my family and my career, yes. Otherwise, I'm just a shell of that girl.

My life now is on autopilot. I try to stay positive but I almost always fail. I get up and go to work, exhaust myself and come home and stare at the tv. I interact with my great husband for a few hours and then go to bed, hoping that I'll sleep instead of think. Despite the 3 sleeping medications that I take every night, I rarely sleep. Too much to obsess, worry and stress about. Too many little hurts that the universe has thrown at me that day. Too many pregnant bellies brushing past me on the sidewalk. Too many inattentive Moms ignoring their kids while texting in the grocery story checkout line. Too many attempts by well meaning friends that end up stinging even more. Too many of everything, all at once.

How do you accept being childless when it's all you've ever dreamed of? How do you get to that point? I have no idea. People keep asking if we're going to start the adoption process. I can't even get myself to the point that I can think about it. I can't accept that this is the end. Will I ever be able to? It sure doesn't feel like it. I say that I'm out of hope but there's that tiny part of me that is hoping for a miracle. Will it always be there? Will I ever be able to move on and make a life for myself that is tolerable, if not enjoyable??

I feel like everyone is tired of my misery. Yeah, me too. I can't even write about it on my regular blog because it just sounds so damn whiney. Believe me, I know. I also have a really hard time with my husband reading about it. I know he's devastated too and I try really hard for it to not always be about me and my hurt. I don't know if I'm successful at that but I try. I would try anything for him. He would just be a fabulous Dad. Thanks defective body, 2 dreams ruined.

Thank you, come again.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Me, in brief

30 years old.

2 sisters.

Grew up on a farm.

Married at 22.

PCOS disgnosed at 25ish.

Long time LJ blogger (6ish years). New Blogger blogger.

Government Analyst.

Completely anovulatory.

Disneyland addict.

TTC for almost 4 years.

Pearl Jam super fan.


Live in a house on the beach.

Way too many fish tanks (3) for my liking.

Great family.

Weather junkie.

Decided to skip law school and start a family (ha).

Happily married.

Never expected this to be my life....