Saturday, July 25, 2009

An introduction

I miss the girl I used to be.

She's hard to think about, the girl that infertility stole from me.

That girl was smart and fun, happy and hopeful, dedicated and hardworking. The girl I am now is not very many of those things. Smart, sure, I guess. Dedicated to my family and my career, yes. Otherwise, I'm just a shell of that girl.

My life now is on autopilot. I try to stay positive but I almost always fail. I get up and go to work, exhaust myself and come home and stare at the tv. I interact with my great husband for a few hours and then go to bed, hoping that I'll sleep instead of think. Despite the 3 sleeping medications that I take every night, I rarely sleep. Too much to obsess, worry and stress about. Too many little hurts that the universe has thrown at me that day. Too many pregnant bellies brushing past me on the sidewalk. Too many inattentive Moms ignoring their kids while texting in the grocery story checkout line. Too many attempts by well meaning friends that end up stinging even more. Too many of everything, all at once.

How do you accept being childless when it's all you've ever dreamed of? How do you get to that point? I have no idea. People keep asking if we're going to start the adoption process. I can't even get myself to the point that I can think about it. I can't accept that this is the end. Will I ever be able to? It sure doesn't feel like it. I say that I'm out of hope but there's that tiny part of me that is hoping for a miracle. Will it always be there? Will I ever be able to move on and make a life for myself that is tolerable, if not enjoyable??

I feel like everyone is tired of my misery. Yeah, me too. I can't even write about it on my regular blog because it just sounds so damn whiney. Believe me, I know. I also have a really hard time with my husband reading about it. I know he's devastated too and I try really hard for it to not always be about me and my hurt. I don't know if I'm successful at that but I try. I would try anything for him. He would just be a fabulous Dad. Thanks defective body, 2 dreams ruined.

Thank you, come again.


Lut C. said...

Arrived here from the crème de la crème list.

I don't have any answers for you, unfortunately, but what you write sure touches a chord.

You're not being whiney, this isn't some trivial mishap here. This is overwhelming.
Writing about it on a separate space may be a wise choice though. Writing can be therapeutic ... if you can write what you want.

You will overcome this though, one way or another. If need be, you'll figure out how to live childless.